Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
