I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
