I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
