I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
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