Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
