im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
