the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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