so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
