You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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