My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
