I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
