I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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