just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
