I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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