just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
