Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
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just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
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watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
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