OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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