You just made me feel so damn special
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
