Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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