I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
