the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
