ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
