I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Randomize
