OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I want you more than these girls want KFC
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
