Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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