Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Randomize
