dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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