I am spending my child support on dildos
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Randomize
