I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
