I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
