woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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