WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
