just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
