did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
My vagina just recognized that song.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
