His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
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At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
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Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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