I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
