i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
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Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
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my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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