Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
