I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
