Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
