I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
