my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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