I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
