Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
sarcasm needs its own font
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
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