The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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