I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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