my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
