Kareoke will never be a sober sport
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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