He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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