and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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