sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
