I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
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