Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
