I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
