And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
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we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
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Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
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