i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
